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Fri, 31 May 2013

On Finding Words

There is still a lot of things going on inside me and turning, and I'd like to share two words that I grow attached to, one a fair amount longer now than the other, but both are terms that I seem to had lacking in my vocabulary which I tried to explain in a different way. After finding out about them, I noticed that both what I felt and believed were actual things that were not totally uncommon concepts, even though most people wouldn't know about them.

The first term that I stumbled upon years ago was the term of pansexuality. (Do not dare to read the German Wikipedia article. It's ridiculous wrong, insulting and shows that they don't understand the topic at all.) I always had issues to explain my intimate preference to others. Especially after they found out about me being female on the inside. Questions arose (if they understood that I'm open about these things when I post the poem publicly) along the lines of "what are you now: gay, lesbian, hetero—and if the latter, what does that mean?". My usual answer was that I fall in love with people, not with their bodies, and that things will eventually work out if meant to be. And thus even though I love my "Bi" shirt, it doesn't really describe properly how I swing, so to say.

The latter term I discovered just recently. A friend of mine with whom I chat every now and then told me about it, and when we met again last autumn, they wore a button of the Italian community for Polyamory (I so much prefer the Italian logo to the "widely used symbol", to be honest). It was an eye opening moment for me. I often mentioned to people that I felt like I have a big heart, being able to store multiple people in it. It always puzzled me that when I'm together with someone (and I always was faithful) why I should feel bad and especially keep it a secret when there is someone else who touches my heart, too. Society seems to see this already as a breach of trust, no matter whether it gets pursued or not, just the thought is enough. But it never changed anything with respect to the person I was together with, so what's the deal? Finding out about this term explained so much to me and made a lot of sense. It is about honesty and communication, which I see lagging in a lot of relationships these days...

So here you are, getting another inside view on me. And I'm sure that there will be again the one or the other person who considers to use this as ammunition against me, but you know, being open about it acts as a shield. It's not embarrassing for me, never was. And like always, I hope that I can help others feeling similar being lost for words or an understanding that it's not as weird as it might feel.


/personal | permanent link | Comments: 10

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tokkine wrote at 2013-05-31 12:46:


Ben wrote at 2013-05-31 13:11:

If you've never read it you might find "The Ethical Slut" a good guide. My spouse introduced me to it while we were still dating. It was quite enlightening.


Gernot wrote at 2013-05-31 13:59:

You're not alone ;-) http://queerstudent.at/team/?lang=en

Keep on Rocking!

Tobias wrote at 2013-05-31 14:43:

First of all thank you, thank you for your openness! Secondly I want to second Ben's recommendation of 'The Ethical Slut' - really a must read. I was put on to it by a couple of amazing friends a while back and it has really helped me to think about love, sexuality and relationship in new ways.

Andy Cater wrote at 2013-05-31 17:31:

Rhonda - you mean Debian developers are allowed to have partners -and sex? I thought that the only concern was the excellent distribution and all those packages.

Interesting - and also brave of you to be ever more open. Good on you :)

Rhonda wrote at 2013-05-31 17:59:

Dear Andy!

You know, this is of course only theoretical speaking...

madamezou wrote at 2013-05-31 18:06:

"My usual answer was that I fall in love with people, not with their bodies"

This. Thank you for lending me the right words for the next time someone will ask me about my sexuality.

When people ask me about polyamory I link them this blogpost. In my opinion it's a perfect definition of polyamory.

tincho wrote at 2013-06-05 02:20:

Rhonda, I am very glad to read this post!

I have also recently found the two concepts and terms, and that knowledge allowed me to better frame what I have felt for a long time, without being able to completely understand it.

+1 on "The ethical slut" recommendation.

Luca wrote at 2013-06-10 13:46:


«…there will be again the one or the other person who considers to use this as ammunition against me, but you know, being open about it acts as a shield.»

Very interesting that you came to this conclusion. Brad Blanton, the author of "Radical Honesty" (a book dear to many in the polyamorous community) talks somewhat similarly of the power of coming out: those that you fear most, usually, are the ones that fear the diversity in you, and by being open about who you are you actually blunt their weapons.

Welcome in those two wonderful worlds from a poly-pan-fellow. :)

Suguna wrote at 2013-07-06 00:28:

It is only weird if one makes it to be that way. Most of the world's people were coondtinied since birth to be monogamous or else something bad may happen. I am in a marriage and my wife and I mutually agreed for it to be open. We get along so well at that, too. We have yet to have a first poly situation of any kind, yet. Heh heh. I can be shy often.Don't let society make you and your lovers feel like outcasts. Humans are biologically set up to naturally be poly anyway. Keep happy!

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