Wed, 09 Mar 2005

Selfhatred

Monday was a really bad day. First it started off with some call from the office from a sales collegue who didn't listen to reason but was just complaining about our sysadmin team. At work I noticed that he even sent the corresponding mail to an address he never used before, making it hard to find... Later I got notified that a dear uncle of mine died and gets buried on friday. And if this wouldn't be enough for a bad day the European Council Presidency adopted the Software Patent Agreement against the council's rules...

At that time, the day did finish itself on me. I tried to get my work done and hope I didn't do too many mistakes. Even finally got around to upload the new sponsored upstream version of libetpan1 into the pool. But it didn't help much for a distraction. Disappointed a dear friend really much by publishing a (to me, at that time) stupid private statement and getting him into trouble. Tried to help him in return though to get some "inner knowledge" about the Überraschungseier for a friend of him from an old online community I'm in. Though I wasn't able to find the conference room there anymore (I guess it got removed, like everything interesting gets removed or discontinued after some time...) but stumbled across a different conference room there: "Hate and Selfhate".

Exactly what I needed in that mood, thank you... There was this link in it to Selbsthass which really made me wonder. Reading the page touched me to the bottom of my heart (especially the Dialog), though I'm not cutting myself and haven't been (sexually) abused. But the page about narcissism shocked me and just enforced my own knowledge that I'm female inside. I don't care what (most) people think about me, they don't know me. If you want to put me into some stereotype, feel free but you are mostly always wrong and won't receive my acknowledge. I don't fit anywhere, I'm an individual, not a mass-production. I can understand why people wonder about Rhonda and what's behind it, and from time to time I might write something like this up letting out some background information about that part of me, which turns out to be more and more important to myself. But pretty please let myself choose the time for it.

I like to thank one very special person, though. That person helped me through the monday evening and managed that I could go to sleep with feeling quite cheerful again. I have no idea how I deserve friends like this, maybe it's not about deserving anyway, but I know that my life wouldn't be what it is without that very special person. You know who you are, thank you a thousands time!!!
Friends are an important part of my life. And I'm really glad that there are some I can depend on, even in the toughest times. I know about at least two other persons that I could depend on to be there for me, and I'm sorry that I didn't contact you two, too. And I'm quite sure you two know that I'm talking about you. Thank you, too, for staying with me and being there for me when I need some help to make it through this hell called life....

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